that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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