I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
