i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
