I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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