This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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