A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Couch. On fire.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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