theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
