no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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