I showed him my bush... on skype.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
