Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize