apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
