I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
