I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
