as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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