Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
