is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize