Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
