My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
