Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize