There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
