Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
