so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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