I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
