The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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