Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
