if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize