I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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