I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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