in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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