My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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