she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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