If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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