I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
