Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
