Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
