I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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