Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
