I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize