I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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