if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
