Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize