now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
