It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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