Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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