he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
