i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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