Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
