you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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