guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
