Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I hate all girls vehemently.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
