drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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