She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
