90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
