4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize