we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
