So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
