hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize