I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
