sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
