You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
