I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
