nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
