The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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