if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
BRING THE BAGELS
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize