They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
