I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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