I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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