When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
