id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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