I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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