Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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