I showed him my bush... on skype.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
