Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Two words: blizzard sex
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize